The Trip to Walmart

I pride myself on being the cool mom. No, seriously. I have to be the cool mom (within reason, let's not get crazy now, someone might lose an eye!). My kids know that they can pretty much talk to me about anything pretty much anything.

I don't like taking any of the kids with me when I have to run to the store. Mainly because they still live in that "Omg buy me this!" "I'll just die if I don't have that!" and "oops it must of just fallen in the basket" phase. Well tonight I broke my own rule & took the 11 & 14 yr old boys with me. D'awww - shopping with Mommy. Honestly I just needed laundry soap before I heard the man explain to me again about how he has no jeans for work. I mean I just need to buy one thing, what could go wrong. We get in & we get out.

That was plan, but it went down like this...

Remember the part of cool mom, and being able to talk to me? Yea, keep that all in mind.

My 14 yr old, Brody, is a freshman and in P.E. the coach/teacher handed out pedometers as a class project to record "steps" on each student. Nice idea right? Get active you video game playing couch zombies! Whatever. I'm all for it. So back to Walmart. Keep up with me here... Brody & I walk by an endcap set up displaying the glorious Shake Weight®. You know that joke of "exercise equipment" that we've all made a joke about at some point? Yea, *that* Shake Weight®. So Brody looks & laughs, then says, "So you know that pedometer project for P.E?" I say, "Yea, hows that going?" to which he replies,"Well we turned them in today & you know what my friend did?" At this point I'm thinking the good ole' Shake Weight® must of triggered this convo, so I say, "Attached his to a Shake Weight?" Brody laughs & says, "Um no, he attached it to his watch and masturbated. Collected 80k steps too!" My jaw drops! Did he just say "masturbated"? That kid is not only a genius... wait, what? I am not having this convo with my 14 yr old in Walmart! I'm not! I may be a cool mom, but seriously "Woah!" I'm still just "Woah" and this happened like 30 minutes ago. I guess I should appreciate the fact that my kids *do* feel like they can tell me anything, however they may change when they realize I facebooked/blogged this shit.

Not to leave my little, also completely hilarious 11 year old crotch fruit, Goop, out of this story, I'll give you his random "trip home from Walmart" funnies.

Brody: So you know you have to carry stuff in & show your worth.

Goop: You're only worth a penny!

Me: Now now (while stroking Goop's hair) that's not true, you are both worth at least $1500 earned income credit each.

Goop: Well I was worth more but they said I had to give you half.

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Goop antagonizes Brody over something stupid.

Brody: You're such a snerf!

Goop looks at me dead serious & says, "I think he's hitting on me."

Welcome to the glimpse that is my life & the 30 minute trip I took with kids in tow to Walmart.

On Dasher, On Dancer....

... On Prancer, On VISA!!!

Oh thank goodness, that's over... On to the New Year. I really wish I could remember that I need to blog more. I mean, I do remember, but it's usually in the shower or right before bed. Two times that I'd rather not sit down at the computer & let my creativity flow.

So here's my "OMG! YAY! Christmas is Over - What's Up Betches" post.

We decided to travel this year for Christmas. Nothing helps you appreciate no local snowfall yet like a scary beautiful, chilly, slick drive to South Dakota. It was nice to actually have a White Christmas. We spent 2 ish days up there & it was really nice. The kids didn't fight, much, and Astrid was good too, for the most part.

I have that dreaded "use it or lose it" vacation time at work so I took Thursday-Tuesday off so the traveling wasn't so bad this time since I had a day before & a day after to just be home. The boys got a brand spankin' new XBox 360 so being at home yesterday was relaxing, even with them home because they were video game zombified. I'm sure the scene today is no different.

Since my last blog post my life has been pretty darn uneventful. There was that hickie the girl had that she tried to play off as a "curling iron burn" Aha, right. And the "Omg! I hit a mailbox with my side mirror" story she came home with a week before that. But really, not much happening. I was going to blog those two stories but realized that it would have been too much like work & to find the true Haha funny in it, you probably had to be there.

Oh and we were able to secure some delicious Isolation ale, for those that were concerned with my drinking well-being. You know who are.

Next post: New Year's Resolutions. (If I blog them, I may feel more inclined to actually keep up with them. You think?)

Asking Too Much?

Jinkies! Three posts, one week? Yea, don't get use to it. I'm sure this won't last.

This is a parenting post. Not where I give you advice or suggestions but one where I vent my frustration, apparently, and of course feel free to chime in.

As most of you know, I'm the proud parent of one very pretty, very witty, very clever, very outgoing, hyperactive teenage girl. She just recently moved here to Kansas to live with me and her two brothers after living with her dad in Texas (I hate Texas - that's a whole other post) for the past three years following the divorce. Everything has been fine with only minor (or major depending on what side of the argument you're on) issues arising from her new life in a world with rules, supervision & accountability. Yea, I'm not really a hard ass but I do try.

Well guess what? She's made friends, in particularly, ones that are boys, guys, dudes or whatever you wanna call them. The few I've met, we've really liked. However, that's like the instant *doom* for any guy. "The parents like ya, can't date ya. " So what does the teen do?

Finds herself an idiot.

Okay I don't know the guy personally & I can be very judgmental. At least I admit it, isn't that the first step to recovery? It's who I am. Love it or leave it. Mayhapsibly he's not an idiot. It's possible, I suppose. All I know is what I've seen on his Facebook page. Yea, he knows nothing about privacy settings, or doesn't care. Either way I'm not above stalking my kids on Facebook. Again, first step is admission, right?

So here's the question, is it too much to ask that she date someone who doesn't come off as some uneducated buffoon?

First of all, the big red flag on Facebook was that he has his birthday listed as "July 6, 1989" which would make him what? 21? My daughter is 17. I have no problem reporting any guy over the age of 18 who thinks he needs to be dating my 17 year old daughter. I'd probably smile the whole time I wrote up that police report too. Well according to her (and I will require some sort of photo id as proof) he is a sophomore at her school & "everybody lies about their age on Facebook" Really? Well if I was going to lie about my age, I wouldn't be pretending to be a 21 year old in high school still. Idiot point #1.

I'm huge on grammar/spelling/making up my own wordifications, whatever and my biggest pet peeve is the serious lack of importance on spelling these days. I'm not the English Language Police by any means but would you want your daughter dating some one who's Facebook page read like this - Idiot point #2:

[actual text from his wall]

"A hurasment and restraning order just might half to do it."
"Numb as shit at tbe dentis and wishing to go bak to school to see my baby girl:)"
"IM NOT DATEN WHITNEY! WHO KEEPS SAYING THIS STUPID BS! IM TIERD OF IT!"
"Shes telln everyone tht im daten her WHEN IM NOT?!"
"BORRRDDD!!!!! SOmeone TlK To mE!!!!"
"bout ta gett ready for tonight....."

Please tell me that someday she'll find someone who can spell GUD and has more than 2 brain cells, with parents like us who care enough to not let him make a complete idiot of himself on the intRAWRwebs.